Kay, so here's the dealio guys. I love makeup, I do. but sometimes I feel the need to tell someone other than my laptop (named Alice) about other things that go on in my life. And i just stumbled upon a site that i've fallen for. (if you dont stumble...come on now, get you're head in the game potter! [thats from a very potter musical <3, go watch it ..now!] ) So anywho, this website is a blog. A magnificent blog called leLove. Tis full of stories of love. How painful, and wonderful, and safe, and terrifying, and new and old and confusing, and Lovely love is. Everyone can relate. even if you've never been "in love." It talks about lovers and friends and almost lovers and old lovers and wives and husbands and boyfriends and girlfriends and ex's and..everything.
So and if they can talk about their loves, I'm going to tell you all of mine. His name, well, he really should remain nameless for privacy reasons, so lets call him..Carj. Tis an anagram of his initials... is anagram the right word? haha I may call him C for short, in case i accidentally type his name instead.
I met C through a friend in first year university. It was a thursday i think. In late October of 2009. It sounds like ages ago, but feels like only a few days has passed, and in those few days, our lives have changed forever.
But i'm getting ahead of myself...or..behind myself rather as this isnt all that relevant at the moment.
He's my best friend. We talk every day, when before he moved back home for the summer, we saw each other every day. We have fun together, go to Wendy's together, watch wresting together..(i know right? haha) and... i do love him. But he doesn't know what he wants..or maybe he does and just doesn't know how to go about doing it. He's interested in his friend. lets call her K. And this absolutely tears me apart. But he's my friend now. I have to let him be more than that to another girl.
Ever since this january (2011,) I've been writing all the things i don't feel ready to tell him to his face in a document and just saved it on Alice (the laptop.) I secretly want him to find it, and read it. Recently though, i was having a bad day, and he was cheering me up, and i told him that i'd been doing this. He said "good, that's probably healthy." As in, good for me to not say everything to him. As in good he hasn't heard any of this. Which is odd, normally his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks if he could read it. Oh well. Maybe i'll ask him to read it one day. One day when we're back together and we're stronger than ever. (but i can't get my hopes up anymore.)
So i decided to share my trials and tribulations of 2011 with all of you. not all at once mind you, (that'd be 8000 words too much lol) but in parts. Here's the first bit.
I entitled the whole thing, To Tell 'C', Oh How I Love Him So. Because at the time, the purpose for this document was to jot down things as i was thinking of them that i wanted to tell him later. So here goes!
So and if they can talk about their loves, I'm going to tell you all of mine. His name, well, he really should remain nameless for privacy reasons, so lets call him..Carj. Tis an anagram of his initials... is anagram the right word? haha I may call him C for short, in case i accidentally type his name instead.
But i'm getting ahead of myself...or..behind myself rather as this isnt all that relevant at the moment.
He's my best friend. We talk every day, when before he moved back home for the summer, we saw each other every day. We have fun together, go to Wendy's together, watch wresting together..(i know right? haha) and... i do love him. But he doesn't know what he wants..or maybe he does and just doesn't know how to go about doing it. He's interested in his friend. lets call her K. And this absolutely tears me apart. But he's my friend now. I have to let him be more than that to another girl.
I don't want to dream of you. I want to be with you.
Ever since this january (2011,) I've been writing all the things i don't feel ready to tell him to his face in a document and just saved it on Alice (the laptop.) I secretly want him to find it, and read it. Recently though, i was having a bad day, and he was cheering me up, and i told him that i'd been doing this. He said "good, that's probably healthy." As in, good for me to not say everything to him. As in good he hasn't heard any of this. Which is odd, normally his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks if he could read it. Oh well. Maybe i'll ask him to read it one day. One day when we're back together and we're stronger than ever. (but i can't get my hopes up anymore.)
So i decided to share my trials and tribulations of 2011 with all of you. not all at once mind you, (that'd be 8000 words too much lol) but in parts. Here's the first bit.
I entitled the whole thing, To Tell 'C', Oh How I Love Him So. Because at the time, the purpose for this document was to jot down things as i was thinking of them that i wanted to tell him later. So here goes!
You always said that you wouldn't be the one to do the breaking up.
People who love each other are supposed to work at it.. Make it work if you’re going through a rough patch.
I believe that once you love somebody, a piece of your heart will always be theirs. No matter what. That being said, it doesn’t mean you won’t resent that piece of your heart for still being theirs if they smashed the rest of it.
If you love me how can you want me to be with someone else when I’m my happiest when I’m with you?
Please don’t drink because you’re upset.. I know I can’t keep you from it… but I know what that does to people. And I know you’re strong, but so was my dad.
Oh how I love you. With all my heart. I honestly don’t see how I could ever be as happy without you, as I am when I’m with you. I know you say that that’ll change… but I can’t picture myself with anyone else.
I hate that I love you so much. Because you now know that I’ll basically always want you. At least part of me will always want you. And because you know that, I feel like a safety net. And you won’t try to win me back because you probably won’t have to. You could ask me to get back together in a month, 6 months, a year, or 5 years..i’d probably say yes. So I don’t feel like you’ll ever have to worry about me saying no...which means if you don’t have to win me back..i AM a safety net… even if I’m your “so called” first choice.
One of my least favourite parts of these things is when the things that used to make me smile make me laugh, make me feel wanted, feel needed...will now make me feel discarded, not needed, they’ll make me cry, for years after this is all over.. I know from past experience.
Melodramatic much? yeah i know. I still feel this way..more often that i'd like to admit. The weird though, is that C has been the one to help me through this the most. What i wrote about that bit is coming up.
I guess i just want to get this off my chest. Out there, into the universe so it doesn't feel like as heavy a burden to me than it has been. It's been 5ish months. And thats too long.
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