Here's the next edition of the thing's i wanted to say to him but couldn't. if you have no idea what i'm talking about, please refer to my first New and Different post.
So here it goes! this is still very early on in the breakup process. (p.s. i'm not one of those 15 year olds who swear they're going to marry their current boyfriend and are "in love" with them..i'm 20, with plenty of experience in the area of emotions and how to decipher the real ones from the ones i'm feeling because that's how i want to feel.. but anywhen, ramblety..)
My eyes haven’t stopped burning since I started crying. (thats 7 hours of crying in his arms...pathetic? yes. did i feel pathetic at the time though? Yes. Couldn't help it? heck yes.)
I don’t want to remember us. Because remembering us means we’ll be over. Remembering means I won’t have you in my life. I never want to have to remember us.
One of the worst parts was when I asked What if you like it better without me? And you didn’t answer.
Down the line is a fucking lie. If you want to be with me eventually, why not now? Why am I not good enough? You want different experiences? Well I can give them to you! Life isn’t the fucking movies. You can’t just expect to have all these experiences before finding the right person, and then if you don’t have as many as you wanted, drop that relationship, and go back try to have a teenagehood! it doesn't work that way.
What the HELL do you think we were doing that scared you so damn much!? I know marriage scares you, so what!? Its not like we were getting married! If it turned out you actually could’t be with me for a real reason, then that’s fine! (well not Fine fine..but you know what ‘m saying) But as long as that happened in the next TEN YEARS it’d be fine. No divorce necessary. And if it turns out that there were no problems, and you turned out to want to marry me earlier than 30, then you and I both know that you’d be serious about it. And unless you were thinking of popping the question Now and then got cold feet… I don’t see how “marriage is a big deal” can even come into play in your reasoning for this break up.
How can you just be FINE. Am I THAT forgettable? Am I THAT small a piece of your life that you’re just fine if I’m not there?
If you just don’t want to be with me...fucking say it. None of this “I can see us getting married” nonsense just to make me feel better at the time.
Either say “I can see us getting married” OR “Go see other people.” Not both!
- If we’re probably getting married, then there’s no point in seeing other people. Yeah it was fun in highschool because you knew that those people were probably not going to be your future spouse. But now, marriage in any relationship is a distinct possibility. And if a relationship is not going to go anywhere, not going to grow or progress.. Then there’s barely a point in calling it a relationship.
- Saying "go see other people" is like saying “I don’t want to be with you SO MUCH that I’d rather see you with this other guy than myself, even if it means forever.”
- Maybe don’t say the 1st one either. You’ve made some empty promises before. But one like this would worse one possible. That’s why I love and hate your “contract.*” you don’t know how you’ll feel “down the line” just like you said you thought we’d be together for years..look how that turned out.
** He wrote be a contract saying that we Will be together again one day.
i cant Not have you in my life... i Can't look at you without falling for you.... i Can't love you any less... and i dont know where i went wrong. So please tell me…
I know you say that its not me… but this is a Relationship.. There’s 2 people, and if one doesn’t want to be in it anymore.. The other one Has to be at least part of the reason.
Why do you have to be so Goddamn beautiful?
No matter how boring I seem, no matter how big of a rut we get in...please, don’t give up on me,
If I kiss you where it’s sore,
If I kiss you where it’s sore,
Will you feel better, better, better,
Will you feel anything at all?
Just think, tomorrow could be just like that Sunday, if you let it. (that sunday is when he told me he was wrong, that he should never have broken up with me..when he wanted me back.)
Remind me...I’m going to be upbeat when nights like this happen..clearly crying isn't helping.
How can you be so madly in love with someone for 13 months and then in the course of one more month, not even want to touch them? Please tell me.
How can you have the right to break my heart each time you don’t hold my hand, each time you move to the other side of the bed, each time you make me cry..and yet still make me love you with everything I’ve got?
And that concludes this segment of "new and different." stay tuned for more of the adventures of C and I.
