More new and different!

So tonight, is Not a good night. C promised me something. And when he makes promises, they're for real. Legit. He takes promises, the ones he makes and that others make, very seriously. And so do i. and he knows this.

C promised me that when if/when he started dating this girl, K, that he'd tell me straight away.


So here's how i know he broke that one. I've deleted my facebook, because A, i didn't have a use for it. and B, months ago is when i found out C and K liked each other, and i couldn't stand to see pictures of them together. even old ones, anymore. But i got back my facebook tonight just for a couple seconds because i've had a weird feeling for about 3 days now, and it made me want to check facebook for some reason. so i did and Guess who's not in a relationship with K!? mhm thats right, its the boy who swore and promised and reassured me many times that he'd tell me as soon as he started dating, not just her, but anyone..but especially her.


I'm not even mad that you're dating her. Clearly. And you knew i'd get used to the idea. No that i'd like it or anything.. but i could bear it.


And this whole time, like when i go to check facebook, i had been texting him. so when i found out, it was So Hard not to just yell at him. but i'm seeing him on thursday, (its sunday night now) and i figured i should at least give him a chance to tell me in person. and if not, on thursday night..guess who's going to feel so guilty it hurts. that'll be chris. i mean, i knew i had a weird feeling recently, but i didn't think that the feeling was a knife in my back.


So anywho,..here's the next installment of the thing's i've written to C but not to send to him:

How the hell can you be this okay with this whole thing? If I started feeling different about us, I’d be freaking out. It makes it so much harder that you’re just going to be fine without me, better even.

Before now, after the honeymoon stage was over… I was thinking that maybe a break would be okay.. That I could live without you. I was wrong.

I don’t understand how you can hurt me like this..and still help me through it like you do...and not love me. I don’t care if you say its just “caring about you.” You’re the one who dumped me. If you don’t love me.. Then why and how do you want to help me through it, and still want to be with me again someday. You helping me through this is basically saying “I want you to be perfectly fine without me. I want you to not want me.”

I can’t just be your friend and act like I don’t love you to death.

You said Tammy would look at it from all angles, she’s sweet, but she took the “let it go and move on” approach.. Didn’t help.

I need to know what this is and exactly all the gritty details of what this is about. Is this a break or a breakup. By gritty details I mean.. Why do you feel like you need to be single. Not just “I feel like I need more experiences” because that’s still how you feel, and not why you feel  that way.

Yes, I am scared that we’ll drift apart...or more specifically, that you’ll drift away from me.

I love you, you know that… but I’m not going to be your fallback plan. I’m not going to be okay with you dating all these other girls just so you can see how good you had it with me. But no matter what, now.. I AM your fallback plan. If you can’t find anyone else to be with, or find you don’t want to be with anyone else, I’m your backup. If you do date other people, and then find you want to be with me.. Fallback plan. No Matter What.

Why must you be my best friend, C? Why can't i just hate you? Yes, i know that theres part of me that's you best friend, a bit smaller part that still loves you, and a teensy tiny part that is indeed mad at you. but i don't think any part of me could ever hate you.